Cross my ♥ and hope to LIVE

I feel like driving my car into a wall just to escape everything around me and in my head. I want to be free. Maybe then, will everything be ok

Do any of you get Sunday newspapers? And don’t care for the coupons?? May I have them? I can send you postage if you want to send them to me.

Pretty please?!?!

What I don’t understand is, how can i never be good enough for you. It hurts and it just sucks. I’ll never make you feel that way……EVER! So why me?

I don’t get it.

Just say when. I’m down to help with couponing. Its a lot of work. But its worth it.

I watched a video just now of “adults” getting drunk and acting wreckless. Ok, SERIOUSLY. not cool.
I pictured myself a few years back doing some what of the same thing and I feel so ashamed! WTF are these people thinking? Drinking, dancing like drunk monkeys, yelling shit at the top of their lungs.
Just…..yah. WOW.

I guess that’s what happens when people have too much time on their hands. Find something productive to do like watching your kids, knitting, or COUPONING!!!!!

LOL

Yesterday was just….interesting. it wasn’t bugging me then, but it is now and I’m very upset about it.

So, small synopsis. I was about to conduct a Pulmonary function test on this guy when we had a conversation. I remember him from a previous test I had to do on him. Anyways, he asks me if I’m a nurse and I tell him I’m an MA. Then he basically tries to pry into my life asking why I didn’t become a nurse. I tell him “life happens.” I finds that I’m pregnant and says, “oh, you must be having a girl because you’re not that pointy.” I told him no. Then he says “oh, well know. When women get pregnant with boy, they look ugly. They have big noses, have rash everywhere; they’re just very ugly. I know Cuz I get 3, I mean 9 kids from different women.”
OK, so what is he exactly saying?! Because I’m having a baby boy, I look ugly? And because he had 9 kids with different women he knows everything about being pregnant? STRIKE ONE.

After I conduct the test, he says “OK. Take care. Have a nice pregnancy and labor. BTW, did the doctor tell you anything?” I tell him no. “Are you sure?!” I said, ” NO! WHY?! Is she supposed to tell me something other than hi, bye, I’ll see you in a month?” He says, “yeah you know. She didn’t tell you to watch your weight???!?! You’re going to get bigger. You should watch your weight.”
0_o STRIKE 2 AND 3!!!!!

You don’t know how bad I wanted to chop his fucken head off with my words. First off, this old, bald, stinky, Filipino black talking man is telling me I’m ugly. Then insults me further by basically telling me I’m fat and not to be fat. Wow. Just wow. He thinks he knows everything because he’s had 9 kids with different women. Muthafucka, you don’t know jackshit about being pregnant. Let me see you do the things I do and survive. You wouldn’t last a day!

I’m pissed about this and I shouldn’t be. Also, it has somewhat made feel insecure about myself again. Anyone who knows me knows my background about my weight and the way I feel about myself because of it.

I feel like I’ve been doing pretty good with this pregnancy. Gained 13 lbs so far, eating way better and proportioned meals, exercising more….you know, doing enough with whatever I have. And because he’s said that, I feel like all of that was for nothing. That in itself makes it depressing.

I just can’t wait to give birth and lose some weight.

Jordan is on his weekends again so Khloe and I are taking full advantage of that. Playing outside til the sun goes down with daddy, going on little trips to get out of the house…..just having fun. BUT I don’t think Jordan understands the extent of Khloe and I “staying up late”. Once its 8pm, we’re partly delusional. 9pm, its the bewitching hour for us. 10pm, that’s cutting it! Our eyes are heavy, we’re allergic to light, and you better have the bed set up for us cuz we will Knock out!
Anyways, This guy purposes we watch “The Avengers” at 10pm yesterday. I agreed and watched him watch the movie and Khloe make a mess in the house because she’s delusionally tired. Its already 11:30pm and I told him I can’t stay up any longer and neither can she, we’re going to bed! As soon as we get into the room, we fall asleep. 1am comes and I feel someone rubbing my leg! Oh hell naw! This man dares to wake me up when I’m in a deep sleep at 1am to get some sexy time?! And he chose to watch the movie while i was clearly hinting to him that its bedtime. PSH! LMAO.
Who does he think I am?! I’m not 16, without a care in the world, and not pregnant. I’m 7 months pregnant, hell yeah I value sleep more than sex! Haha!
I slapped his hand, turned over and put my ass back in a coma. But boy is this man persistent!
We ended up getting it in. But I told him his ass better be up at 6am because his daughter will be and he owes me 2 more hours of rest. He got what he wanted and so did I. Its a win-win situation. LOL.
Old people problems!

I hate that you’ve managed to ruin EVERY memory that I try to look back upon of us. It saddens me to know that you, of all people could treat me the way that you did. How am I ever going to bring up the past without feeling like the world is caving in on me? How am I to forgive you?

There is no doubt that you have ever felt a fraction of my pain because I never allowed you or made you feel any less of a person as you did to me. I can’t help but to think that it could’ve all just been a lie and I’ve potentially wasted a substantial amount of my time waiting for the “better side” of you; the person I knew you could always be…..

Every day i felt like giving up on you, us.But I waited. Waited for change. Waited for you to appreciate me. Waited for the respect I so willingly gave to you. Waited for the day you finally realized “I” and ONLY I, was there for you. Waited for the day you finally realized you needed me, truly loved me……..

You know what? I’m done waiting. I’m tired and I’m NEVER waiting on the thought of you ever again.
I hope you know that and while you’re at it, take back all of the negative memories I have of us. I don’t need them

When Jordan and I get into a fight and he THINKS he can ignore me. Look buddy, don’t play with me. I’ll ignore you so good, its like you never even existed!!!!
Hahah ;). Let’s see who breaks first.

I hopped on the money saving train and got my first deal today. Farmer john smoked sausage on sale for $2.99. Sunday newspaper had a coupon to save $2.00 on one sausage. Only pay $0.99 per sausage. HOW. COOL. IS. THAT?! Yes, I didn’t get it for free. However, its quite a deal considering those smoked sausage ropes are normally $5 something.
I’m not perfect at this, but I will be. I need to save as much money as possible with my two keikis

Irrrrritates the SHIT out of me. BUT he is my forever. I can’t sleep without him. I can function without him lol, but his help is ALWAYS appreciated. Everyone should meet him. He makes me angry and laugh at the same time; isn’t that somethin’ special? Like he says, ” youre going to have to wake up to my face every morning. Til death do us apart.” I can get use to that…..he’s amazing.

I’m on all fours. Khloe comes in the bathroom and assumes the same position as me, while taking a look back at her daddy like “Ummm, its my turn!” LMAO.

Me, with a 6 month big belly, trying to roll my happy ass of the bed from lying on my back,and trying to haul Khloes heavy butt from the crook of my left arm, over my belly so that I can brace myself to get up and put her in her playpen. In mid process catching a cramp in my ass and nearly falling off the bed.
Yeuuuuup. Today has been a wonderful day. -___-

We’re more than half way there. Can you believe that? Soon baby boy will be here and I’m getting anxious. Like, really anxious. Khloe has been SUPER clingy and she’s making me feel like I need more time with her. Just her and I, bonding; no one else. I feel so guilty. She needs me and she’s my first born. Will she understand that when baby brother arrives, she’ll have to share the attention? That she is not the “baby baby” anymore? Mommy will have more to handle and take care of instead of “just her?”
I pray to God that I find the patience I need to tend to the both of them. It’ll be hard, I know. But I don’t want to get lost in the frustration and confusion in taking care of a newborn. I don’t want to lose sight of the innocence my daughter yields. After all, she’ll only be 16 months old. I pray that my temper not get the best of me and to be even more understanding when she does something wrong……
I just want to be the best mother to my children and I want to love them unconditionally and me in return.

I’m just really emotional. I really do love them with all of my heart. Im just a Hard headed ass with an ushy gooey heart. Lol

I turn 22. I’ll pour water in a shot glass and shoot that shit like its vodka! oh, I’m not kidding by the way. LOL. Feel like I’m 22 going on 40! Gotta stay young.
Hhahaahhahaha

I’m irritated. Jordan and I are fighting and I think he’s a complete idiot and he’s probably thinking I’m a complete bitch. PSH…… That damn dent that just so happened to appear in the inside of my car by the top light. Jordan said he didn’t do it and I know for damn sure I didn’t do it and I drove the car all week last week and it just so happened showed up when he drove it. Like seriously, I’m not playing this “who stole the cookie from the cookie jar shit!” If you did it, say you fucken did it!!!!! But no. I’m led to believe that a big magical ugly troll motherfucker snuck into my car and created that dent…….Khloe caught the Hand, foot and mouth disease. Fever, sores in her mouth and feet, rushing her to the hospital. I haven’t had much rest. Literally this past weekend I had 9-10 hours total. Khloe is just not having it, she’s lost a few pounds because the sores in her mouth are preventing her from eating, which worries me! Then she cried herself to sleep 2 nights in a row because she wanted her binky but if she sucks on it, its only spreading more of the virus ulcers around in her mouth because of the secretions of bacteria from the ulcers. UGH! its just a mess. Its binky weaning, this damn dent, it being so humid, braxton hicks contractions, my poor Khloe and her virus, Jordan, my job, lack of sleep, feeling unloved, feeling unappreciated; its just a deadly combination.
Yeah, Boohoo Mahea. I nerd this day to be OVER! Cuz really Monday, you’ve possibly screwed up my entire week. Not cool.

Jordan wants to get freaky decky and I want to SLE-E-E-E-P!!!!!! Did I mention I want to sleep? Yes? OK!

The end.

Do with me what you please………when I’m fast asleep.

We don’t go to the movies anymore because I hate the fact that if Khloe needs to buckle loose, one of us will have to tend to her and miss the movie. I think its a total waste of money. But we took a chance on Tuesday. We watched that cute little caveman movie “The Croods” and she loved it.
Of course my little aloha miss sunshine HAD to tell everyone hi even if that meant shouting at the top of her lungs to tell the people at the top row, lol. She probably sat still for a good ten minutes while i fed her grapes and oranges. After that, she was over it. She wanted to run around and play with the other kids and Jordan was beyond annoyed. He had to take her outside because she would cry really loudly when he would scold her. So maybe she’s just too young to fully enjoy a movie at the theatres. Hopefully by 2 she’ll understand that she just needs to sit still and watch the movie.

For a boy, hmm….
-under the sea
-race cars
Im reeeally leaning towards the under the sea theme. Jordan just threw it out there that it could be race cars but i think thats more of a first birthday theme.
Color scheme would be a light blue, beige, bright green, white, and dark blue. I want starfish, turtles, mantarays, seahorses, seaweed, fish….my centerpiece would probably be a small fish bowl with sand on the bottom and a laminated picture of baby/maternity pic inside with sea creatures and a decorative ribbon around the glass. I want pom poms hanging from the ceiling with beads and crystals. Oh and cant forget my “sandwich” bar for lunch!!! Fruit kabobs, chips, veggies…..mmmm.
Thats all i thought of.

Its coming up soon and ill be a few days shy of 19 weeks. But the most important part is finding out if Khloe will have a baby brother or sister!!!!!! Im getting excited over this. Giddy almost.

I need to buy Khloe a “bigger girl car seat” lol. She’s heavy enough to be in a forward facing position and I’ve had enough of her complaining because she thinks she’s too grown for the infant car seat. But its so fricken hard to pick one out. I want one that’s safe, slimmer, lighter, with a cup holder, it can recline, can grow into a booster seat…reality is, there is none like it. Ive been looking up reviews, Google this, google that and i still can’t make up my mind.
Does anyone have any advice in picking out transitional car seats? Which did you go with? Why? And while your at it, leave your name, social security number, and bank information too. Lmao. Just kidding. But i am serious about the car seat thing

Im actually way past that point and it sickens me. I think i bitched about this before too, but overall its just different now.
Everyone knows Jordan and i werent ready to have another child. BUT it happened. I accepted that. WE accepted that and we’re more than thrilled to know we’ll have another child soon……its just, i feel like im in a standstill/ limbo like phase. I feel like one day i love my job and the money thats coming in and the next day im like, “fuck this. Im too tired for this shit. My job sucks!”
Truthfully, attitude is everything. Its probably one of the main things that will make or break you and im losing track of my positive attitude. Yes, i get up at 4:15-4:30am mostly every morning to take Khloe to her sitter, to get stuck in traffic and fall asleep while i drive, to work my fucking ass off at work, then to get stuck in traffic again going home, then to go home and take care of my domestic duties/child/fiance, and to finally go to sleep at 10:00pm to get back up and do the same shit again. Its exhausting!!!!!! Im exhausted!!!!! I. AM. NOT. HAPPY!!!! And i feel pathetic to be crying and loathing in my self pity as I have time to think to myself, which is probably why ive been losing weight during this pregnancy and the doctors are not happy about that.
Anyways, my solution would be for me to quit my job and just stay home to take care of the kids. It’ll keep me sane a little and i KNOW my poor Jordan could use the extra rest before work too. But right now, its unrealistic of me/us to do that. We’re desperately trying to buy us a house and if i stop now, we’ll never get to where we want to be. Plus I have to much pride to let my family suffer like that!
Soooo……we’ll see after i give birth. Our plan is for me to build a fund that will guide us through two years of me going to college; I’ll be on my Paramedic status! (hopefully) its an option and beneficial decision we’ve made for our family.
Sorry this is all over the place. But i couldnt hold that in any longer.

All i have to say about parenting is you choose how you want to raise your children. Im not going to tell you how to raise yours, nor will you tell me how to raise mines. I shall give you advice if you want me to but other than that…”to each its own!”

The end.

Khloe is a good girl. Really, she is. She listens, does what shes been told and only tests jordan and I when she wants to play and get our attention. But recently, shes been acting up.

Both he and I have been running around like mad men trying to get things situated for her birthday party, kind of neglecting her a little bit. My sisters/mom/grandma have been watching her on those occasions and shes picked up this whining/crying hysterically act from my niece. Its irritating!!!!!!!! She’ll literally throw herself back, yell loudly, try to hit me and cover her face but peek through her fingers to watch me watch her. Lol.

I know she picked it up from my niece because i watched Khloe observe her at her party, get all the attention for crying and immediately copied what she did. Jordan thinks its cute, i do too at times, but if she starts that shit in public i might have to knock her out!! (Jk).

Really though, i hope we can break this nasty habit.

So last night I had the craziest dream. I was sitting in the kitchen with my breasts exposed. All of a sudden, they started leaking milk and jordan comes in and hands me my breast pump.
THENNNNN, he hands me this baby and he puts her on to nurse. At first i thought i was dreaming of Khloe but then i looked at this baby and she looked different but with similar features like Khloe.
Anyways, I was just trippin out, but in a good way?! Annnnd supposedly in our family, when we dream of our unborn child, the sex is always opposite of what you dream. So we’ll see how this turns out. My bet is on a boy. Whats yours?

His family knows about baby #2. So, i guess its okay for everyone to know. Oddly enough, id rather just keep it to myself for now. Ill probably reveal that im pregnant when we find out the sex or later. Ive been feeling very consciouses of what i post out on the internet lately.
So we’ll see.

I think i felt the baby kick?!?!?!?! Its so weird to feel it again

Its really never been a big holiday for Jordan and I, but I’m stressin’ on what to get him. He wanted a DVD but I forgot the name of it and i think its a little thoughtless if I just give him a gift card. I was then thinking i should take him out somewhere and give a little ;) at night. Buuut, we both work that day/night, it’ll be impossible.
Maybe we can just massage each others feet and then go to sleep? Sounds good to me!

So far, throughout this pregnancy ive only cried for one reason, HUNGER!!!! Lmao. This morning Jordan kept pushing me to do things but i was so hungry. I kept telling him i was hungry but he wasnt listening to me. So i went into the kitchen, tried to find something to eat, couldn’t find anything and started to cry. Lol.
My dad comes running out wondering why im crying and quickly whips up something to eat for me. If its one thing that bothers him is when we (his family) has a problem with food. Lol. Breakfast was ready in 8 minutes, record time. They know, when pregnant girl is hungry, she better eat!

Is it weird that Im kind of craving that? You know, a tempura sushi roll with very little soy sauce and LOTS of wasabi. Mmmm!!! YES!!!! :) OR bbq chips with LOTS of Tabasco sauce.
Yeeeeeeesssss!!!

Khloes party is soon and i really wanted to get the Mickey Mouse and friends cartridge for the Cricut machine. Me being me and wanting my own, I bought the cartridge, a new Cricut Expressions 2 machine, and all the extra parts for it. BAD GIRL! (slaps hand). I diid need it and I got the okay from Jordan, but I’m having a guilty spending conscious. I feel like ive spent too much money even though its a good investment.
Oh well, whats done is done. That damn cricut machine better be the shits. LOL

Know one really knows and id appreciate it, for those of you who are involved with Jordans and I family, to keep it a secret. Only my family knows. Why? Because id like to pass my first trimester without…judgement?! And if anything should happen, i dont want to explain to the whole entire world my situation.

Thanks :).